Adventures in LA (Part the Second)

I was planning a whole series for the week I'm in LA, but time has gotten away from me. Tomorrow is my last full day here, I fly back to NYC Saturday afternoon. And it's gonna be a busy day, with meetings starting at 11 and ending some time late in the afternoon, and the day possibly ending at In 'n' Out. Or something.

So what I've learned in LA as of today, 2/16:

• You can get stoned on Venice Beach without smoking anything. The contact high is that strong.
• The Medicinal Marijuana guys will chase you trying to get your $40 for a card that says you need to smoke pot for medical reasons. Even when you point out the laws in New York, where you come from, don't give a shit, they'll still hound you. They should smoke up and relax, man.
• I've dipped my toe now in both ends of the Pacific Ocean, in California, at the midpoint in Hawaii & Tahiti, and Australia. Also done both ends of the Atlantic, in New York and Ireland.
• Traffic. It's everywhere in LA. Doesn't matter what time of day. Locals tell me between 11 and 3 is okay. Bullshit. Took me ninety minutes to go from Griffith Park to Venice Beach, and two hours to go back. Cable cars are the wave of the future here.
• Dogs that eat toothbrushes throw up for days afterward. Don't ask why I know this. Just know I'm lucky I had an extra.
• There are more Mexican radio stations in LA than there are total radio staions in New York.

Oh, Google....

So I need to clarify this because A) I was actually asked by someone who didn't know me directly and B) Google's new terms means this will come up more often.

Searching "Joe Reiter" in Google brings up pictures thanks to my test drive of google+ (which I haven't used in months).

It also brings up a lawyer named Joseph Reiter in Palm Beach who had some allegedly (emphasis because he's a lawyer) alcohol-induced fight with a judge at a country club.

So that guy is not me. That guy is in his 60s and has white hair.

I'm handsomer, slightly salt & peppered, and a writer in New York.

Again: he's a lawyer in Florida. I'm not.

Just saying.

Of course, if you use duckduckgo.com, I come up as the top search when you look up Joe Reiter.

Adventures in LA (Part the First)

So I'm in Los Angeles for a week to do some LA-type stuff. Last time I was here, I was fifteen and flirted with a waitress (who was married) to my father's amusement.

After two days, I've noticed the usual "New York-style Pizza" and "New York-style Bagel" places (guys: it's not New York style without the water. TRUST me), but one thing this state needs, and which I'm thinking is a serious money maker, is a New York-style driver's education school.

It sure as hell couldn't hurt the slowdowns on the 405. Which, incidentally, I'm about to jump onto. Should make the ten mile drive back to Glendale in, say, six hours.

More shit my mom says

For Christmas I bought my mother a netbook. She already has a 17" laptop as her primary home computer, the netbook is for traveling so she can check mail and log on remotely to do work.

Today I gave her a run through of how to use it and what she can do.

Mom: Where do I put in the CDs?

Me: There's no CD drive built in, that's why it's so small.

Mom: So how do I watch movies?

Me: If you're using wifi you can log in to Netflix with my account.

Mom: What the hell is Netflix?

I bookmark the site in her browser and log in, giving her a quick demo.

Mom: I want to watch Medicine Man.

Me (checking and knowing she would sell me in a second for a date with Sean Connery): It's only available on CD, you can't watch it streaming. They have Hunt for Red October.

Mom: Show me.

I start the flick.

Mom: How do I use this?

Me: I saved my credentials. You just go to Netflix and look for movies that are available for streaming to watch.

Mom: You son of a bitch. Why haven't you shared this with me before? How much is it?

Me: Nothing. It's my account. I pay every month.

Mom: You son of a bitch. How could you hold out on me? I'm your mother. I gave birth to you.

Shit my mom says

Mom: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Meeting some friends at The Palm for dinner.

Mom: They still don't have king crab legs because of the overfishing. Did you hear about the people who got sick because of lobsters?

Me: What?

Mom: It was on 60 Minutes. There's an island of people who got sick diving for lobsters. They're all crippled now.

Me: A whole island is crippled? Did the lobsters attack them?

Mom: No they want to make money selling lobsters so they dive with tanks that have no gauges and they all got sick. They showed a whole family who were crippled and then they died.

Me: On camera?

Mom: No, but they were hobbling around because they came up too fast.

Me: They got the bends.

Mom: No they got that deep sea diving sickness when you surface too fast.

Me: The bends.

Mom: No that's wrong. They had to sit in a machine--

Me: A hyperbaric chamber.

Mom: Can you take this seriously? All these people on this island are dying now. All for lobsters.