Apparently all the leaked Star Wars picutres and news that's been on my periphery has embedded in my subconscious because I woke up this morning from a dream where I watched the new movie. Also there was some Bacardi consumed last night, which may have contributed to this bit of madness...
In a nutshell:
- Chewbacca was female, could talk normally, and parted her hair in the middle;
- Princess Leia was trying to hide the fact that she'd been forced to cut off her pinkie because of a Yakuza debt from Han Solo and was depressed about her age;
- Bruce Davison was playing Darth Vader, who'd somehow been reincarnated. He wore the mask and a Hawaii'an shirt and spent most of his time alone in a dingy hotel room drinking Maker's Mark;
- Han was trying to plan a surprise birthday party for Leia in an old Rebel base as a reminder of the good times. Even though Star Wars is supposed to be set "a long time ago", he had a 1950s jukebox and a bunch of "over the hill" balloons. C-3PO was trying to help but kept knocking over the punch bowl, which was spiked;
- R2D2 was on a secret mission in a cavern. He unlocks an old crashed Star Destroyer and unleashes an army of mutated insect robots which quickly becomes a swarm;
- Luke learns his father is alive and confronts him about his drinking. Vader decides to try cleaning up his act "for the kids";
- Leia arrives at the surprise party. Han realizes she's missing her pinkie and demands to know what's happened. Chewbacca, who knows the full story but has been sworn to secrecy, tries to defuse the situation by inhaling helium balloons and singing along with the jukebox;
- Luke arrives with Vader, further pissing off Leia;
- The robot insect swarm invade the rebel base and take control of an old giant robot, complete with its own thirty foot lightsaber;
- The robot attacks the party. Luke tries to fight it but has no luck because he's old and arthritic. Vader removes the mask and throws it at the robot. He still has James Earle Jones' voice without the mask and his face is normal....except for being Bruce Davison;
- The robot cuts the jukebox in half with his lightsaber and prepares to kill everyone;
- Luke throws his lightsaber. It cuts off the robot's arm and boomerangs back, but it slices through Vader/Bruce Davison on the rebound;
- The robot crumples to the ground. Luke laments his father's death (again). Someone sneaks up behind Leia and cops a feel. As the masked perpetrator runs away Han gives chase, gang tackling him on a flight of stairs;
- The groper is my old friend Doug, who asks what the hell is going on;
- The dream ends.
I dunno. I'd rather watch this than Phantom Menace. But that's just me.