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    Tuesday
    Aug052014

    A slight hockey thing

    Those who know me know there's only one sport I follow with anything resembling interest (though I've been getting more and more into MMA of late). So this is a hockey entry. Sue me.

    Someone showed me Puck Daddy's new summer time waster yesterday: the 'Summer of Disappointment' (why not 'Summer of Discontent'?) detailing the lows of each of the NHL's thirty teams. I read the Islander entry (with a tremendous amount of glee, since that fan base can never suffer enough) and thought "wow, doing the Ranger one would be an exercise in madness" while reading the questions about the biggest disappointments in franchise history. I started mentally noting my answers until I found someone else already did the Rangers' entry

    I have kind of a policy against critiquing other writers, so I'll just say this. Yeeeeesh. Someone get this kid a spell check program. Oh wait. Word has one built in.

    While some of our answers overlapped, the overall writing is....er....to quote my old professor Klaus Janson, it shows a lot of energy.

    Having a few minutes of free time, I decided to answer the questions myself, being a bit of a history geek. So without further ado....

    Puck Daddy's Summer of Disappointment: New York Rangers (Bootleg) Edition

    Most Disappointing New York Rangers Team: 1992-93 

    Can I say all but one of them in my thirty-five years of watching this team?

    If the goal is to win a Stanley Cup and every year you don’t is a disappointment but you get a banner for those disappointments, Madison Square Garden would look like a fabric store with the amount of material hanging from the ceiling.

    I have to go with 1992-93, if only because that was supposed to be THE YEAR where the curse ended. Instead, we got Brian Leetch injuring a nerve in his shoulder playing on the right side, missing a bunch of games, then drunkenly falling out of a cab fighting with Messier in the street slipping and falling on black ice and breaking his ankle, Messier getting Roger Nielson fired, Doug Weight for Esa Tikkanen, Mike Richter in the minors, Corey Hirsch as the new goaltending savior for five games, Eric Lindros (almost), an entire team quitting and being forced to watch the Islanders knock off the Penguins in the playoffs. On the positive side, newly signed Phil Bourque confirmed Mario Lemieux had faked his broken wrist sustained at the hands of Adam Graves’ ever-so-vicious slash the previous spring. Yay. 

    Most Disappointing New York Ranger: Petr Nedved

    Apparently everyone who writes one of these starts this section with “Having to pick the most <insert team name’s> most disappointing player is like having to <insert geographic reference of something painful and horrifying to think about> so I’ll skip over that and just say this is a really, really, really difficult task for someone who roots for a team that has historically imported past-their-prime players who flame out like the Human Torch in space fighting Galactus. 

    Names like Ken Hodge (more on him in a bit) and Marcel Dionne and Mike Allison and Carey Wilson and Bernie Nicholls come immediately to mind. You could technically kinda/sorta make a case for Gretzky or Lafleur, but only if you were insane and thought that either player was going to perform like they did fourteen years before they were acquired. You could put Barry Beck on there, but then I’d hate you and call you names and remind you it wasn’t his fault his shoulder got wrecked by Pat Flatley. Someone will name one of Scott Gomez, Chris Drury or Wade Redden, but they didn’t disappoint unless you suddenly expected an act of god that would allow them to play to their contracts.

    No. The honor goes to Petr Nedved.

    After escaping the communist bloc in the trunk of a car and being drafted by the Canucks, Petr decided he wanted out of Vancouver and sat out a year until he was dealt to the Blues. A couple of month later, after leading the Rangers to a Stanley cup engineering his way out of town by negotiating a backdoor deal with Mike Ilitch to take over the Red Wings for the to-that-point despised Scotty Bowman alienating everyone involved in the Rangers’ ownership hierarchy suing for breach of contract for a late bonus payment and opting out of his deal with the blessing of Neil Smith, a compensation deal was worked out between the Rangers and Blues. The Blues got Keenan and Esa Tikkannen. The Rangers got Nedved, who figured to be the young, stud scoring center the team hadn’t had since…Bryan Hextall five decades before.

    Alas, Nedved turned out to be Czech for “telegraphing wrist shots while wearing blue” and his indifferent play infuriated both the team captain and the head coach. After a lockout-shortened season with the team, he was sent to the Penguins in a deal that ranks with the worst in team history (mostly because of the other guy he was dealt with), where he promptly turned into the high scoring playmaking center everyone hoped for.

    Most Disappointing Moment in Rangers History: Tie: Ken Morrow/Ron Francis

    Were I an older man, I’d probably say “Dave Schultz punching Dale Rolfe while pulling his hair in a move he must’ve seen in a bad 70s porn flick while Brad Park watched”. 

    Were I an older man that that guy, I’d probably say “Listening on the radio when Pete Babando scored in double overtime of game 7 of the 1950 finals to give Detroit the Cup in a series where the Rangers had no playoff games at Madison Square Garden because of the contract with the circus and because James Norris, the Detroit owner, also had a partial ownership stake in MSG and refused to allow any scheduling changes because the hell with collusion”.

    Instead, I have to go with a tie: Ken Morrow in overtime in 1984, which broke my nine year old heart and ended the Rangers’ best chance to stop the Islander dynasty.

    Ron Francis from just-about center ice in 1992 in the infamous “ADAM GRAVES IS A PROFESSIONAL HITMAN OUT TO KILL ME” series versus noted whiner Mario Lemieux and the Penguins. Anyone who doesn’t think of this as a franchise defining moment isn’t old enough to remember that they were FIFTEEN MINUTES from going up three games to one on the defending champs with a return to the Garden on tap for game five, and matchups with the entirely beatable Bruins and Blackhawks on tap after that.

    Just kill me now. Then skip to 2:27.

     

     Most Disappointing Rangers Transaction: Rick Middleton for Ken Hodge

    Some will say the signings of Wade Redden/Chris Drury/Scott Gomez to insane contracts across the summers of 2007 and 2008. 

    Those people don’t know anything. All that was lost there was money. There were no tangible assets going back the other way.

    Rick Middleton for Ken Hodge. This is the winner (or loser, depending on your point of view). Looking to shake up the fatcat Rangers teams that had hit their apex three years before, Emile Francis shook things up after the 1974 loss to the Flyers. Out: captain Vic Hadfield. That wasn’t enough to prevent the Islanders from knocking the Rangers out of the playoffs in 1975 in an idiotic best of three (????) series. So more changes were on tap: goodbye, Eddie Giacomin. Hello, John Davidson. Then the mother of all bombshells: Brad Park and Jean Ratelle to Boston for Phil Esposito. Why is this relevant? Because a year later, Esposito convinced new GM John Ferguson that he’d put up in-his-prime-type numbers if he was reunited with his old linemate Ken Hodge. Presumably, Harry Sinden put his phone on mute to prevent his laughs from being heard when Ferguson agreed to send Middleton the other way. Hodge played 96 games for the Rangers and scored 23 goals with 51 points. Middleton played 881 games for the Bruins, scored 402 goals and 898 points and part of me just died a little inside, though I’m sure someone with access to advanced stats can make a pie chart showing how Hodge ‘drove the offense’ in 1976-77 that led to a 35 year old Esposito scoring 34 goals and 80 points.

    They seriously traded a guy with an Ogie Oglethorpe face rocking Billy Charlesbois hair....

    ...for this guy.

    Sometimes I just hate this franchise.

    Honorable mention 1: GM Phil Esposito isn’t done destroying young talent on the Rangers. On January 1st, 1987, he decides the ‘potential’ of Bobby Carpenter as a 21 year old 50 goal scorer trumps the ‘potential’ of Mike Ridley and Kelly Miller, two integral pieces of the previous season’s conference final run. After watching Carpenter play, Espo decides he likes the ‘potential’ of 35 year old Marcel Dionne better than Carpenter. So in a nutshell, it’s Ridley and Miller for Dionne, with Carpenter showing up to buy donuts for a couple of months.

    Honorable mention 2: At the trade deadline in 1996, Neil Smith was possessed by the ghost of Ferguson and agreed to trade Mattias Norstrom, Ray Ferraro, Ian Laperriere and Nathan Lafayette to the Kings for Shane Churla, Marty McSorley, and Jari Kurri. To put this in perspective, Nathan Lafayette alone played more games (84) for the Kings than McSorley, Kurri and Churla did combined (78, and only because Churla actually played part of a second season) for the Rangers. Norstrom spent a decade as the rock on the Kings’ blueline. Not that the Rangers needed him, what with Rumun Ndur, Stan Neckar, Bruce Driver, Stephane Quintal, Vladimir Malakhov, Dave Karpa ready to take his minutes. Laperriere spent a decade and a half as a physical checking winger. Not that the Rangers needed players with a little grit to their game considering the amazing successes they had between 1997 and 2007. Screw Ferraro. He was an Islander.

    Honorable mention 3: Doug Weight, a young player with slick playmaking skills, is habitually deployed on a fourth line or scratched by Roger Neilson because Roger believes in matching lines and not playing to a team’s strengths. Eventually, Roger is fired but new coach Ron Smith doesn’t understand playmaking centers or matching lines. Neil Smith does the only sane thing possible: he trades Weight to Edmonton for Esa Tikkanen because it’s all about the rings, baby. Okay, this deal helped cement the cup in 1994, but think for a minute about the Rangers in the latter half of the 90s if they’d kept Weight. And Amonte. And Zubov. And Norstrom. Mix in with Messier, Graves, Leetch and Kovalev. Tell me the Rangers miss the playoffs from 1998-2004 with a straight face. 

    Most Disappointing Rangers Coach/Executive: Phil Esposito (1986-1989)

    Someone out there who has only known Glen Sather as general manager is going to point to ol’ tomato face and say HIM.

    I respectfully disagree because they’re wrong.

    Espo sent a first round pick to Quebec for head coach Michel Bergeron, a coach he fired after not even one full season in an effort to save his job. I don’t even want to mention the players available when the Rangers would have made their pick. Look up the 1988 draft yourself. Hint: they would have had the fifth pick and Jeremy Roenick, Rod Brind’Amour, Teemu Selanne were all on the board. Which means they would have drafted Francois Leroux.

     

    He traded for Bob Froese, which ate into Vanbiesbrouck’s playing time because who ever heard the phrase “Beware division rivals trading goalies to you in an effort to destroy you from within”? 

    Let’s leave it at this: in the summer of 1986, Esposito took over a Craig Patrick-built semi-decent team that had just made it to the conference finals, looked at the roster, decided “I can make this team better by adding guys I played against in the 70s!” and over the next three years made forty-three trades and seventy-six total transactions. 

    Hence Kelly Miller and Mike Ridley for Bobby Carpenter for Marcel Dionne.

    Hence signing Guy Lafleur who’d only been retired for five years previously. 

    Hence Trader Phil’s legacy: Two playoff game wins, 1 playoff miss, 0 series wins.

    Most Disappointing Rangers Fashion Choice: Torch these Libertys

    Fortunately there have been a whole lot of misfires here. I’m more inclined to say the white version of the 1990s Lady Liberty jerseys or the tin foil accented Stadium Series jerseys from last year. Some will point to the Ferguson-designed pajama jersey which he took with him to Winnipeg a few years later. Eh. This is the least of this franchise’s problems.

    NO

     

    NOOOOOOOOO

    DISCO FEVER!!!!!!

     

    Saturday
    Aug022014

    Auf Wiedersehen, AT&T!

    After seventeen years, I-can't-count-how-many calls and complaints about service, several dozen emails involving the office of the president and members of his inner circle, a visit from a senior level engineer, and a dispute over $45, I'm in the final hour of my days as an AT&T customer.

    The story has been documented so many times before so I'm not getting into it. 

    Instead, I'm going to post an exchange I had with someone from the office of the president not long ago in regards to lack of service. This was one of the deciding factors in leaving AT&T, but not the final one. 

    In a nutshell: I sent a frustrated email to the office of the president (Randall Stephenson) in December regarding a continuous lack of signal in the city. I was contacted by one Kim Scott from the president's office and found that she didn't like putting anything in writing (probably for fear of it being used against the firm in the event of a lawsuit.

    So, first up, the initial email I received from Kim in response to my email:

    12/15:

    Thank you for choosing AT&T as your service provider.  As a valued customer, your complete satisfaction with the wireless service we provide is our first priority. 

    I recently received notification you have an unresolved issue regarding your wireless account.  I appreciate you taking the time to advise me of your concerns and welcome the opportunity to address this issue. 

    Please contact me toll-free at 866-220-8446 at your earliest convenience regarding this matter.  I look forward to working with you. 

    Kim Scott | AT&T | Office of the President - Northeast Region

    My response a few hours later on the 15th:

    Hello Kim

    As I've mentioned several times, for whatever reason (most likely the fact that AT&T's network coverage in NYC sucks), I spend 3/4 of my day without cell phone service, so if you're the one who has been leaving voicemails, keep in mind that I usually get these messages late in the day....like when I go downstairs and finally get service on my phone...and by that point, chances are you're no longer in the office.

    I assume this is in reference to the emails I have sent regarding the horrific service on my iPhone; I'm just not really sure what a phone conversation is going to do at this point. I've missed dozens of phone calls over the last year (and it's gotten worse lately), many of which were important. As I stated before, I've been a long-time customer, and I think this is the breaking point. I'm not going to continue paying $200+ a month for service I can't use, that's just not acceptable.

    And if you think I'm kidding, I have dozens of photos, taken daily, showing my coverage as SEARCHING. I've been documenting this for my blog.

    Like I said, I'm not sure what a phone call is going to accomplish, but if you're adamant about talking to me, try me in the morning, before 11AM. 

    After speaking with Kim on the 16th and getting a promise of a resolution and a follow-up within twenty-four hours, I reached out a day later after hearing nothing.

    12/17:

    Hey Kim,

    What is the current status of the investigation you said you were going to be kicking off yesterday as far as the service coverage issues for the iPhone in midtown NYC, specifically at <location removed>? 

    After more lip service about having the issue investigated by a "top AT&T engineer, my ticket (which Kim opened) was closed. I found out via text message:

    12/22:

    Hi Kim

    I just wanted to let you know that whatever engineer you assigned my case to closed the ticket because, as I learned last night, "he couldn't reach me by phone during business hours".

    Considering the fact that my problem is a lack of service (and therefore an inability to send & receive phone calls and texts during MY business hours), and considering that you in all likelihood explained this problem to said engineer, I have to wonder exactly what is wrong with AT&T that simple things like intelligent comprehension are a problem.

    The only reason I learned my ticket had been closed was due to the (amazingly) dilligent work of an engineer named Andre Vegas, who has been the only bright spot I've encountered from your organization to this point. He checked around after I received a text message last night after 8PM EST informing me my ticket had been resolved, and found that whoever was working on it did indeed close the ticket without speaking to me.

    We've gone now from my being annoyed with AT&T's service to my being disgusted with both the service and support. I'm glad I refrained from buying my wife an iPhone for Christmas because it's one less headache to deal with next year.

    After another call and a re-opening of the case, I sent more emails to Kim for answers. She never responded with anything other than "I will look into it." That prompted this email from me after two weeks:

    1/6:

    Hi Kim

    I understand you're not big on email communication...but I'm putting this in writing because I want there to be a written record of this.

    One of your engineers, Angelica Mendoza, called to let me know that there were a couple of "cell towers adjacent to my building with 'issues' which has been going on for the last couple of days." I'm not clear on exactly how this has been the problem for me over the last nine months, and at this point I'm going to call a spade a spade and state that your engineering team has failed to come up with a real, clear, viable reason for me to not have service on two separate occasions.

    What's left now, as far as I'm concerned, is to come to some kind of resolution where AT&T makes this right by me. I have withheld payment on my December bill, and I find it amusing and sad that your billing department is quick to ask for money, but your engineering team is deathly slow to provide answers to the question of why there's no service.

    As I've stated before, I see no intelligent reason to continue paying for service that's not being provided. If AT&T cannot/will not resolve this issue (which I believe is more to do with the fact that your network in NYC is subpar, as is the case with SF), then we need to discuss major discounts on my service or, if need be, allowing me out of my contract to go to a carrier that works.

    We have gone well beyond what should be a normal time for a resolution, and quite frankly I don't want to continue wasting my time attempting to make phone calls on my device without service for your engineers to study. Obviously it's not working, and I have better things to do.

    Let me know how you want to proceed.

    This prompted a call from Kim in which I was told they would be sending one of their 'top engineers' to do a site survey to determine the cause of the problem. 

    The engineer, Alex (not his real name), showed up and informed me that he was well aware of the issues in the area with coverage for AT&T because they didn't have enough towers in the area. There were two towers located two blocks north and two more located two blocks south of me, and the problem was getting a signal through the buildings. There was no immediate answer to this problem as it was up to AT&T to work out deals to place more cell towers on more buildings in the area. 

    Alex was intelligent, well-informed, and well-spoken. This made him a rarity at AT&T. I emailed Kim to inform her about Alex's findings, though he had mentioned he was under orders to report his findings to her directly.

    "You really rattled some people with your emails, man," was the last thing he said before leaving. 

    After a week without a response I emailed Kim again.

    1/14:

    Hi Kim,

    I haven't heard from you this week, but I imagine you have heard the update by this point. Your engineer was here on Monday afternoon and confirmed to me that AT&T does not have a cell tower for coverage on the south side of <location removed>, and that this is a known problem with other personal and business accounts in the building. In point of fact, the business account rep for my company was made aware of this more than six months ago. The engineer stated this was 'on the radar' to be fixed, possibly with an in-building solution of a tower being added to this building for coverage, pending the account rep's approval.

    Since we've now clearly established that this is:

    A) A specific AT&T problem, and
    B) This has been a known issue for at least six months

    what I'd like to do is go back to what you asked me during our first conversation and turn it around: What is AT&T going to do about this to make me, your customer, feel confident in staying with you?

    It took two weeks for Kim to respond.

    1/27:

    Mr. Reiter,

     I have some additional information regarding your account.  Please give me a call today so we can discuss this information further. 

    Thank you.

    Kim Scott | AT&T | Office of the President - Northeast Region |

    Unfortunately, her answer was given over the phone so there's no documentation of it. I'll have to paraphrase how the conversation went.

    Me: Hi, Kim. So you've talked to Alex?

    Kim: Yes I have, Mister Reiter.

    Me: So how do you want to handle this? A credit to my account, or....?

    Kim: Alex was mistaken, Mister Reiter. Your issue is not with towers. We've determined your phone is the problem and we cannot take any further steps to help you. Our suggestion is you upgrade and get a new phone.

    Me: Whoa. Hold it. You sent a senior engineer to my building who CLEARLY confirmed your service was at fault. Now your senior engineer was wrong?

    Kim: We are unable to provide any further assistance, Mister Reiter. We value you as a customer and hope--

    CLICK.

    Welp. The joke's on them. I'm now a former customer.

    Go fuck yourself, AT&T.

     

    Thursday
    Jul102014

    Dear AT&T

    For Christmas in 1997 my grandmother gave twenty-two year old me a gift: a Nokia mobile phone with a battery the size (and weight) of a brick and offered to pay the bill for one year. After that it would be on me to cancel it or keep it and pay it myself.

    Needless to say, twenty-two year old me was excited. I was entering the rarified 90s air of having a cell phone.

    Also probably because my younger self had no idea of what was in store for my cellular service under AT&T in the coming decade and a half.

    In December of 1998 I took over the phone contract, which was running about sixty bucks a month at the time (HA!!) A year later I upgraded to an Ericsson flip phone because I thought it was cool to have a flip phone. Snapping it shut after a call was cool and dramatic.

    Over the next few years I changed phones every couple of years and never really had anything you could call a major issue. I made calls, I received calls, I paid the bill. At one point I wound up with a Nokia phone that my then-girlfriend thought looked like a vibrator, which meant replacing the phone. Not for the reason you think, you pervert.

    Occasionally I’d hear about better contracts being offered by other carriers, but the process of porting a mobile number back then was a lot more complicated and took a couple of days and involved both carriers working out the details while sacrificing a chicken to the sun god Ra on the third Wednesday of the month during lunch. It was too painful to deal with and I’d gotten used to my number and didn’t want to change it. So for better or worse, I stuck it out with AT&T.

    I stuck with AT&T through the SBC/BellSouth/Cingular re-branding from 2004-2007. I stuck with them when I was told my account information wouldn’t change when my account was moved to Cingular only to have my service stopped for non-payment because the money I had been paying on my AT&T account sat unapplied to my now deactivated AT&T account while my new account with Cingular showed no payments being made. I stuck with them as it took three people to figure out how to migrate the payments I’d made to my AT&T account that was deactivated to the new account with Cingular.

    I stuck with AT&T in spite of the mishap in which I purchased an international calling plan in 2005 when I took my girlfriend to Venice to propose and let her use my phone to call friends and family to share the news only to discover on my return that somehow the plan hadn’t been set up correctly and Cingular wanted more than $600 in roaming charges.

    I stuck with AT&T after correctly setting up an international plan for a trip to Ireland went haywire when I was unable to make calls at all because the phone I was using was not quad band, in spite of being told explicitly before I left that my phone was quad band. But hey, no roaming charges!

    I stuck with AT&T because I wanted an iPhone in 2006 and they were the only carrier who had the deal with Apple.

    I stuck with AT&T because I’m a bonehead and even as smartphones suddenly became the rage and it became painfully obvious the carrier wasn’t prepared for an increase in data usage I figured they’d eventually sort it all out.

    I stuck with AT&T for years in spite of working in an area of midtown Manhattan that had absolutely no coverage at all. After numerous phone calls and emails with the office of the president of AT&T I finally got a ‘communications technician’ to visit said office and was told the nearest AT&T towers were located four blocks away and the service was being interfered with by elevator shafts and other buildings. When this was relayed to the office of the president I was told this was actually a lie and no further investigations would be performed and I was essentially out of luck.

    I stuck with AT&T when I couldn’t get service in my second floor apartment in Brooklyn except in the bathroom and not one person I spoke with could provide an explanation except to blame the building’s construction materials, in spite of the fact that my neighbor’s Verizon phone worked just fine.

    I stuck with AT&T even after I learned that my grandfathered-in ‘unlimited’ data plan was actually capped at 4GB, and anything over that was throttled. When I questioned this with customer service I was told “well yeah, it’s unlimited, but we have to cap it SOMEWHERE.” So grandfathered unlimited = 4GB limit.

    I stuck with AT&T in spite of ever-increasing shoddy reception in lower Manhattan, which has, for the last three months, required putting the phone into and out of airplane mode every hour in order to reconnect to a tower for service. This is not phone specific, by the way. I’ve tried it with two different phones and yeah, it’s the service, stupid.

    In short, I’ve stuck with AT&T for seventeen years, paying an ever-increasing amount of money for an ever-decreasing amount of service and an ever increasing amount of “I don’t care what your problem is” attitude from customer service.

    Last month I missed paying the bill on time. Okay. Shit happens. I discovered this after making a phone call and having it drop because the service had been disconnected. Upon realizing I’d forgotten to make payment, I logged on to AT&T’s site to pay the bill immediately. Within three minutes of paying the bill the service was restored on my phone.

    AT&T tacked on a $45 fee for ‘system related costs based on our process for reactivating your service’. Earlier today, before paying the bill, I called customer service and asked if this was a manual process or something that was automated, since it didn’t seem likely someone was sitting at a computer monitoring payments of accounts and immediately reactivating the lines. I got no clear answer to this. I pointed out my years of customer loyalty and asked for the fee to be waived as a courtesy.

    Nope. That’s how we do business, I was told.

    I pointed out that my contract had expired and this was going to be the tipping point that would send me elsewhere.

    We hope you reconsider, I was told.

    I took to twitter, thinking maybe they’d relent.

    I got the exact same response. Sorry if you don’t like it, but reconsider signing up for another two years of horrible service as we increase your rates.

    So. After seventeen years, AT&T has decided that the $200+ I spend a month is less valuable than the $45 fee they refuse to waive. I get that in the grand scheme of things I’m not even a cog in their system, but you’d expect a little more for a long-time customer.

    Or maybe not. This is AT&T after all, and they’re notorious for not giving a shit about their customers. Just ask Randall Stephenson. No really, ask him. Here’s his email address. rs2982@att.com or randall.stephenson@att.com

    Verizon here I come. Or maybe T-Mobile. Either way, goodbye AT&T. It’s not me. It’s you. It is most definitely you.


    Tuesday
    Feb042014

    The new thing....

    See this big ugly spider-looking thing here?

    This is Scott Cohn's work. He is, as you can see, a pretty decent artist in his own right.

    I can announce as of today that I'm joining him on Paradyme 1.0. Him artist, me writer. Release details will follow once they're figured out. In the meantime, break out a can of Raid.

    Wednesday
    Oct302013

    Wasting away again in Baccardiville

    I posted this last week at the start of the Austin Film Festival. 

    I spent all of Saturday and parts of Sunday drinking a bottle and a half of Baccardi. That sounds worse than it is. I don't need a meeting. I swear.

    I am

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival because I am home in Brooklyn.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival because I am home in Brooklyn with a torn anterior cruciate ligament, a partially torn meniscus, a partially torn medial collateral ligament, and a fracture in my tibia.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival because I am home in Brooklyn with a torn anterior cruciate ligament, a partially torn meniscus, a partially torn medial collateral ligament, and a fracture in my tibia which I sustained while jumping from a train.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival because I am home in Brooklyn with a torn anterior cruciate ligament, a partially torn meniscus, a partially torn medial collateral ligament, and a fracture in my tibia which I sustained while jumping from a train that was leaving the Attnang Puccheim station in Austria.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival because I am home in Brooklyn with a torn anterior cruciate ligament, a partially torn meniscus, a partially torn medial collateral ligament, and a fracture in my tibia which I sustained while jumping from a train that was leaving the Attnang Puccheim station in Austria four weeks ago.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival because I am home in Brooklyn with a torn anterior cruciate ligament, a partially torn meniscus, a partially torn medial collateral ligament, and a fracture in my tibia which I sustained while jumping from a train that was leaving the Attnang Puccheim station in Austria four weeks ago because after getting back on the train to recover a forgotten jacket, said train started to leave the station.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival because I am home in Brooklyn with a torn anterior cruciate ligament, a partially torn meniscus, a partially torn medial collateral ligament, and a fracture in my tibia which I sustained while jumping from a train that was leaving the Attnang Puccheim station in Austria four weeks ago because after getting back on the train to recover a forgotten jacket, said train started to leave the station and I was not carrying my passport or Eurail pass at that moment.

    I am not in Austin, Texas this week for the 20th Austin Film Festival because I am home in Brooklyn with a torn anterior cruciate ligament, a partially torn meniscus, a partially torn medial collateral ligament, and a fracture in my tibia which I sustained while jumping from a train that was leaving the Attnang Puccheim station in Austria four weeks ago because after getting back on the train to recover a forgotten jacket, said train started to leave the station and I was not carrying my passport or Eurail pass at that moment and the next station stop was roughly eighty miles away.

    So….in conclusion…I am not in Austin for the film festival this week because I tried to be Colt Seavers and ended up as Elijah Price.