Tuesday
Aug172010

Dream a little dream

Usually I have dreams involving the apocalypse, death, chaos, people on fire, etc. Not really sure why and I'm not anxious to solve the mystery by talking to a therapist.

Last night I got a break from those dreams. Instead, I was in a field with a couple of people, there was a gunshot, and I went running towards an old abandoned-looking 19th century house, which I was warned away from by an old man. I ignored him and went inside, and found a woman who looked like Yvonne DeCarlo on the Munsters telling me I couldn't leave until the next day, assuming I 'passed' the test. When I tried to leave the house I couldn't get past the threshold, and saw the people I had been with standing over my body. The gunshot had hit me and I was dying, and my spirit was inside the house. The old man explained to me that I had to avoid any contact with Yvonne DeCarlo's daughter or else it would be taken as a sign of interest and lead to an engagement. I survived the night in the house somehow, but right as it was time for me to leave the girl approached me and squeezed my hand. Yvonne DeCarlo showed up and pronounced us engaged and that I would never leave the house. I tried to escape, but once again I was blocked from leaving. A sheet was placed over my body in the field and I knew I was dead and would spend eternity in this house, so I threw a bunch of candles at the wooden support beams and burned the place to the ground.

Maybe I need lithium.

Monday
Aug162010

Occasionally I am an asshole

I don't mean to be, but I take writing seriously enough that when somebody just blatantly shits all over it as a profession, I can't help myself. 

I get emails frequently enough about great contests to enter, and one in particular caught my eye last week. A writer's website is running this gig where they're asking members to write a treatment for a 'novel' which is self-published through one of those odious firms that claim to help undiscovered writers get their work into print. The scam is too much to get into, and I feel bad for these folks who think self-publishing their work is the way to get noticed (it usually isn't). So this contest is to adapt this 'novel' in the form of a treatment, as in 'how would you do this book as a movie?'

Normally I don't rag on other writers who put themselves out there, but....I'm sorry, when you write a really poorly-written novel about a gypsy girl in high school who encounters an 'immortal' (code for a vampire), and just blatantly rip off an already poorly-written tween vampire series, you're just not trying very hard, and you're insulting those of us who take the craft seriously.

Anyway, I got maybe fifteen pages into this book (whose name I won't reveal because I'm not a complete asshole) and decided this thing needed a treatment of its own. So, using my old alias of frankthetank, I wrote one up for submission. And yes, the all caps and bad spelling is intentional 'cause that's how Frank rolls. And yes I'm also aware having a secret alias is no good if you continuously give it away, but I'm not one to hide on the internet.

FYI this is all trademarked as of now so don't try stealing this movie idea.

Now bask in my brilliance:

SCREENPLAY TREATMENT FOR FRANK'S VAMPIRES BURSTING INTO FLAMES MOVIE EPIC

 HOLY CRAP THIS IS LIKE WRITING A BOOK REPORT. HOW CAN THIS BE MADE INTO A MOVIE IT’S TEH SAME THING AS TWILIGHT. OH LOOK A GIRL IN HIGH SCHOOL HAS A THING FOR A GUY WHO’S SO CUTE HE CAN ONLY BE A VAMPIRE AND OH SHIT LOOK THERE ARE WOLVES TOO. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL SMOKING TO EVEN SIT DOWN AND WRITE THIS? NO WONDER SHE SELF PUBLISHED THIS SHIT THROUGH AUTHOR SOLUTIONS. A BETTER SOLUTION WOULD’VE BEEN TO JUST BURN THIS SHITPILE WHEN IT WAS SUBMITTED BUT THEN THEY WOULDN’T GET THEIR MONEY RIGHT? THIS MAKES STEPHANIE MYERS’ SHIT LOOK LIKE HEMINGWAY. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY? AREN’T THERE STANDARDS OR SOME SHIT TO STOP THIS BLATANT CRAP FROM EVER SEEING THE LIGHT OF DAY OR ARE THESE ASSHOLES THINKING THEY CAN CASH IN ON TWILIGHT WITH MORE SHITTY GLOW IN THE LIGHT EMO VAMPIRES CRYING?

OK SO I’M GOING TO TAKE SOME LIBERTIES AS PER ROBERT MCKEE AND MAKE SOME MODIFICATIONS TO THIS FOR THE BIG SCREEN. NADYA JOHNSON (THAT NAME SOUNDS BETTER THAN COOPERSMITH) GOES BACK TO SCHOOL AND FINDS HER ENTIRE SENIOR CLASS IS DEAD, ALL OF THEM WITH HOLES IN THEIR NECKS AND SHE INVESTIGATES AND FIND THIS GUY ETHAN SUCKING ONE OF HER LAST LIVING CLASSMATES DRY. SHE CHASES HIM OFF WITH A STICK AND HE GETS HIT BY A CAR DRIVEN BY A WEREWOLF WHO’S UNDERAGE BUT HE’S A JUVENILE DELINQUENT WHO STOLE THE CAR AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYONE. ANYWAY ETHAN IS A VAMPIRE (SURPRISE) SO HE DOESN’T DIE BUT THE WEREWOLF (WHOSE NAME IS TIM) BACKS OVER HIM AND PINS HIM UNDER THE WHEELS. OH HE’S DRIVING AN 18 WHEELER BY THE WAY BECAUSE THIS TAKES PLACE IN TEH COUNTRY. SO HE HAS ETHAN THE VAMPIRE PINNED UNDER THE WHEELS AND HE GETS OUT AND STICKS A CROSS IN HIS MOUTH WHICH MAKES HIM SCREAM. THEN TIM GRABS NADYA AND JUMPS INTO THE AIR LIKE A HUNDRED FEET LEAVING THE SCHOOL BEHIND. HE TAKES HER TO A MEADOW CAUSE THEY’RE IN THE COUNTRY AND STARTS EATING A SHEEP AND TELLS HER ABOUT THIS PROPHECY THAT IF SHE EVER FUCKS A VAMPIRE SHE WILL TURN INTO A RAGING BLACK HOLE AND THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE SUCKED UP INSIDE HER AND THEN SHE’LL BE SUCKED UP INSIDE IT ALSO. I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW SOMETHING LIKE STRING THEORY WILL BE INVOLVED SO THE SCI FI GEEKS (OR IS IT SYFY?) WILL BE INTO IT. ANYWAY SO NADYA SWEARS SHE WOULDN’T FUCK ETHAN CAUSE HE KILLED HER FRIENDS AND SHE’S SAVING HERSELF FOR JUSTIN BIEBER. THEN TIM RUNS OFF CAUSE SOMETHING SCARES HIM LIKE MAYBE SARAH PALIN IN A HELICOPTER FLYING OVER ON A WOLF HUNT. THAT WAY WE MAKE A POLITICAL STATEMENT ABOUT HOW FUCKED UP SHE IS KILLING WOLVES AND THINKING SHE CAN BE PRESIDENT. ANYWAY SO NADYA HITCHIKES BACK TO HER HOUSE BUT HER MOM AND DAD ARE DEAD IN A MURDER SUICIDE PACT HER FATHER LEAVES CLUES WITH HIS DEAD BODY AND BLOOD THAT SPELL OUT THIS CLUE WHICH WE KNOW MEANS NADYA IS REALLY THE DAUGHTER OF A VAMPIRE SO THE PROPHECY IS ALL BULLSHIT BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW THIS. ETHAN THEN SHOWS UP AND NADYA’S ALL YOU KILLED MY PARENTS AND ETHAN SAYS NO I WAS STUCK UNDER THE TRUCK UNTIL TRIPLE A SHOWED UP AND GOT ME OUT SO IT WASN’T ME. SO NOW THERE’S THIS MYSTERY ABOUT WHY HER FATHER WENT CRAZY AND KILLED HIS WIFE AND HER AND LEFT THIS CLUE AND IS IT TRUE.  SO ETHAN AND NADYA GO TO THE AIRPORT AND TAKE A PLANE TO BRISBANE BECAUSE IT’S A BEAUTIFUL CITY TO UNRAVEL THE MYSTERY. I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT BRISBANE HAS TO DO WITH THIS BUT THE AUSTRALIAN TOURISM INDUSTRY IS HURTING AND COULD USE A BOOST PLUS I KNOW SOME AUSSIE CREW PEOPLE WHO WOULD WORK FOR CHEAP AND THEY KICK ASS IN DRINKING CONTESTS. ANYWAY SO NADYA WINDS UP FIGHTING A KANGAROO OR A RABID KOALA AND IS SAVED BY CROCODILE DUNDEE BECAUSE IT’S DAYTIME AND ETHAN IS SLEEPING IN HIS COFFIN. THEN CROCODILE DUNDEE GETS HIS BIG KNIFE AND STABS ETHAN BUT HE DOESN’T DIE SO MAYBE HE’S NOT REALLY A VAMPIRE BUT A GUY WHO WAS HYPNOTIZED TO THINK HE WAS. THAT COULD BE THE BIG MIDPOINT REVEAL. THEN NADYA IS MAD AT CROCODILE DUNDEE AND KICKS HIM OUT AND SINCE ETHAN ISN’T A VAMPIRE SHE FUCKS HIM BECAUSE ALL THE TRAVELING HAS MADE HER HORNY. THIS COULD BE A REALLY HOT STEAMY SEQUENCE WHERE WE SEE SOME TITS. I THINK SCARLETT JOHANSEN WOULD BE GOOD AS NADYA CAUSE SHE HAS NICE ONES AND I COULD BE ON SET FOR THE FILMING OF THIS SCENE SO I COULD TWEET IT WHILE I’M STANDING BEHIND THE DIRECTOR’S CHAIR KIND OF STROKING MYSELF THROUGH MY PANTS. JUST AN IDEA MAYBE I WON’T STROKE MYSELF UNTIL I’M IN PRIVATE IF IT WOULD BE UNPROFESSIONAL. OK SO AFTER THEY FUCK TIM THE WEREWOLF SHOWS UP AND IS ALL PISSED THINKING THIS IS GOING TO KICK OFF THE PROPHECY BUT ETHAN’S ALL HOW DID YOU GET TO AUSTRALIA AND TIM GOES OH FUCK PLOT HOLE SO WE FLASH BACK TO TIM STOWING ON BOARD THE QUEEN MARY WHICH MAKES AN EMERGENCY STOP IN SYDNEY AND THEN TIM JUST GOES WEREWOLF AND RUNS THROUGH THE DESERT PAST SOME REALLY COOL SCENERY AND THEN GETS TO WHERE THEY ARE SO THE PLOT HOLE IS FILLED UP. NOW THEY HAVE A PROBLEM CAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN BRISBANE AND THE TRAIL HAS GONE COLD AND NADYA CAN’T REMEMBER WHY THEY WENT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE UNTIL SHE SEES AN OLD COUPLE FIGHTING AND THINKS OF HER FATHER DRUNKENLY BEATING HER MOTHER AND SAYS OH YEAH AM I A VAMPIRE OR NOT? THEN TIM SOLVES THE MYSTERY WHEN HE EATS A RABBIT AND HAS A PEYOTE VISION OF A THREESOME. I THINK IF THIS IS DONE WELL AND NOT TOO PORNLIKE IT HAS SOME POTENTIAL EVEN IF IT WINDS UP WITH AN NC17 RATING CAUSE ALL THE TWIHARDS WANT TO SEE SOME WEREWOLF/VAMPIRE ACTION THAT’S WHY THEY HAVE THE BEDSHEETS RIGHT? ANYWAY SO THEN NADYA IS KIDNAPPED BY HER FATHER’S TWIN BROTHER WALTHER WHO IS REALLY A VAMPIRE AND HER REAL FATHER AND HE DECIDES HE NEEDS TO DRAIN HER BLOOD SO ALL VAMPIRES WILL LIVE WHILE ALL HUMANS DIE. HE TAKES HER TO LOCH NESS AND THEN ETHAN AND TIM HAVE TO TEAM UP TO SAVE HER SO THEY STEAL A PLANE FROM A TOP SECRET MILITARY BASE IN AUSTRALIA THAT ONLY THE CIA KNOWS ABOUT BUT ETHAN KNOWS SHIT BECAUSE HE’S KIND OF PSYCHIC. SO THEY STEAL THE PLANE AND GET INTO A DOGFIGHT WITH SOME CHINESE PLANES AND BLOW THEM UP AND KEEP GOING UNTIL THEY RUN OUT OF FUEL AND HAVE TO USE PARAGLIDERS TO GET TO SCOTLAND. BUT JUST AS THEY GET TO HER THE PROPEHCY COMES TRUE AND EVERYTHING IS SUCKED UP INSIDE HER AND SHE EXPLODES. THEN SHE WAKES UP IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION AND THE WHOLE THING WAS A PARNOID DELUSION SO TEH AUDIENCE LEAVES LIKE WHAT THE FUCK I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING.

OKAY SO THAT’S TEH TREATMENT LET ME KNOW WHAT KIND OF MONEY YOU GUYS ARE WILLING TO PAY FOR IT. THIS IS MY FIRST ADAPTATION AND ROBERT MCKEE SAYS SOMETIMES IF THE SOURCE MATERIAL SUCKS YOU NEED TO REINVENT WELL THIS MATERIAL SUCKED A BIG HAIRY TESTICLE SO I HAD TO TAKE A LOT OF LIBERTIES. THANKS AND LET ME KNOW WHEN TO EXPECT MY CHECK.

 

FRANK

Wednesday
Jul282010

A wireless carrier by any other name...

If you read my old blog before it was migrated here, you probably know about my earlier misadventures with AT&T wireless regarding the lack of signal in midtown Manhattan on my iPhone.

Well, in cleaning out some older items in my gmail account today, I came across this gem of an email I'd sent to Cingular president Stan Sigman back in June 2006 after numerous problems using my phone overseas. Cingular/AT&T really just absolutely suck at customer service.

Mr. Sigman,

On two previous occasions I have taken the time to send an e-mail via the Cingular contact page I found via Google (you certainly go out of your way to maintain anonymity from customers) following months of frustration in trying to find some form of help from your customer service staff via phone, your website, or in one of your store locations in New York. I am taking the time to send this e-mail as there has been NO resolution to the issues I have been having for almost an entire year, and continuing to follow the same patterns of contact have proven themselves to be ineffective. My hope is that some how, some way, this finds its way to you so you can fully understand what exactly your support staff does, and the steps I am prepared to take to resolve this issue once and for all.

Before I do that, let me recap exactly what has been going on since I signed on with Cingular a little over a year ago.

In March 2005, my fiancé and I visited the Cingular location on 86th Street in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn; at the time, we were both customers of AT&T Wireless and were in the process of being migrated to Cingular. We had decided to purchase a family share plan, and spent time shopping around at Verizon and T-Mobile (as our contracts had both expired and we were paying month-to-month). At Cingular's store (technically it was still an AT&T location, but was in the process of being converted), I spoke with a rep and explained what our needs were: we wanted a shared phone plan with text messaging and the ability to use our phone overseas, in particular while in the UK and Ireland. I stressed this point particularly as we had a wedding coming up in September of 2006, and would be spending some time there in the months leading up to the wedding and needed to be able to make phone calls while we were in Co. Clare  (western Ireland).

The rep assured me at the time that a tri-band phone would be fine, and I wound up purchasing a Nokia 3120b phone, along with an international calling plan at a cost of 3.99 a month which, I was told, would keep the cost of roaming charges down.

All this was fine until I actually visited Ireland in September of 2005 and had no service for the entirety of the two weeks that I was there. And not only did I not have service, but neither did my fiancé, whose Motorola phone is also a tri-band, and the in-store rep assured us both phones would work fine.

At cost to myself, I placed a phone call to Cingular international support to find out why I was not able to pull a signal; the first rep I spoke to dismissed the problem and said there was probably no service in the area (a ridiculous notion, considering another person traveling with us had a Verizon phone and was roaming with Vodaphone service); I was subsequently transferred to someone else who suggested the possibility that the tri-band phone was unable to pull a signal to allow me on the network.

Now, I'm fairly certain you can understand the immediate rage I felt at this suggestion. I had been fairly clear in my request for both a PLAN and a PHONE that would work while in Ireland, and now I was being told by a support staff member that my phone was incapable of being used over there.

Immediately upon my return to the United States, I returned to the Cingular store on 86th Street in Brooklyn only to find that the rep who sold me the phone no longer worked there; when I explained the problem I was told two things: 1) My phone should work just fine in the UK, and 2) I should call Cingular for any future issues. When I explained that I bought the phone in their store and they had some obligation to help me, they stated that they sold phones, they didn't support them. I would need to call Cingular support directly for help.

So I did. I logged another call to find out if my phone was capable of working in Ireland, and the rep I spoke to first asked "Where is Ireland? Is that in Europe or something?" The call quickly went downhill from there, where I was told, yet again, that the phone should work fine, "with no problems" while I was in Ireland. I also asked that my text messaging plan be checked because I had not received a text message in several months; I was told there was no problem on that end, either.

I once again visited Ireland in February, and again, had no signal to be able to use my phone. In addition to this, my fiancé's phone, which began experiencing bad static in late December, reached a point where she could not be heard on either incoming or outgoing calls. We both visited the Cingular store in-person in February, and wound up talking to Cingular support on the phone while in the store. The in-store tech spent half an hour assuring the phone rep that there was no water damage to the phone, and I was told that the phone would be replaced via mail and covered under the warranty. Once the new phone was received, she sent the old one back in the same box.

Two weeks later I received a letter from Cingular stating that I was being charged for the phone because there was water damage.

Remembering my frustration at going through normal channels the previous time this happened, I sent an e-mail to you (or someone who gets messages sent to you through the Cingular website) lodging my complaint about both this issue and the problems I was having getting reception in Ireland. I was soon contacted by Katrina Halstead, who, after reviewing the records, agreed that a mistake had been made in charging me for the replacement phone and removed that from my account. Additionally, she stated that my phone was a tri-band phone, and there was no reason it should not work while I was overseas. After numerous phone calls explaining the problem, she promised to have a tech look into the problem and get back to me.

I was never contacted by anyone, and I left Katrina a message stating as much. She didn't get back to me, either.

Finally, I again visited Ireland, and, shockingly, again had no service. Upon my return, I visited a Cingular location near my office in midtown Manhattan on Park Avenue and 50th Street, only to be told that they do not provide support in their store and I would need to call customer service support.

So, once again, I contacted your office through the Cingular website and again stated my frustration at continually having this problem. In addition, I also mentioned that I had still not been receiving text messages for some time; I also learned that my fiancé was not receiving text messages I had been sending to her. At this point, I felt that as a holdover long-time customer of AT&T, I was entitled to something back, since I have been paying for services that Cingular is clearly not providing.

Three days after sending this complaint I received a message from Winifred Dryer (sp?), who stated the following:

- nothing was wrong with my account and my text messaging should be fine (it's not); if I called Cingular support they can try to troubleshoot the problem but I would not be entitled to any refunds;

- a quad-band phone is required to work in Ireland as they operate on cycles of 800 and 1800 MHz, and the tri-band phone I use operates at 900 and 1900 MHz; the international plan I have been paying every month since April 2005 would also not be credited back, despite the fact that I have never been able to use it.

Her message cuts off after just over a minute, but I did return the call to let her know that this was no an acceptable response, and asked for a call back to clarify. Two weeks later, I have still not been contacted, although I did attempt to contact support through your website; I was told that "network problems" were responsible for the issues with my text messaging problems. Nothing more specific than that, just "network problems".

At this stage of the game, I think it's fair to say that your support has been, in polite terms, an absolute joke. I have been paying for text messaging that doesn't work; I have been paying for an international plan that I can't use because the phone I purchased to use overseas does not WORK overseas.

Worst of all, too many of your employees have been all too eager to tell me that everything "should be working fine from what we see on our end".

As things stand right now, this issue is going to play out in one of two ways.

1) You can release me from the remainder of my Cingular contract and allow me to find another carrier to port my numbers to; if you do not wish to do so, I will have the numbers ported over to another carrier anyway and pursue this matter legally to terminate the remainder of the Cingular contract;

2) There is an acknowledgement from Cingular that they have provided poor support in resolving this problem, and steps are taken to rectify these issues, in the form of credit to my account or providing me with a quad-band phone capable of doing what I asked for fifteen months ago.

I know there have been complaints about your customer service support previously from reading up on a number of consumer report sites; the past nine months of Cingular service have been an absolute disaster, and, quite frankly, I am tired of giving your company my money when there are carriers out there who may be able to provide what I need.

I would appreciate some form of communication on your end, to let me know that you have received this letter, and that someone within this organization has an interest in something resembling quality customer appreciation.

Tuesday
Jul272010

Devil's Advocate

In 2003 when the war wagons hit their peak leading up to 'shock and awe', I explained my theory to a friend of mine during a car ride. It went something like this:

"We're gonna invade Iraq, which had nothing to do with September 11th, and we're gonna flush all the good will we've built up worldwide down the toilet. Muslim countries will hate us more, we'll wind up encouraging another generation of suicide bombers, and because wars cost a shitload of money we're gonna bankrupt ourselves, and that balanced budget Clinton delivered a couple of years ago will be a sad memory. All the people being shouted down as un-American for dissenting now will play 'I told you so' roles and the whole country is going to slide into a massive collapse in ten years."

My friend, who I no longer talk to for reasons unrelated to that, told me I was being over-dramatic.

So I've spent the last year looking at all these worldwide disasters, natural and man-made, environmental and economic, and I'm starting to think all these little strands that are hanging out there, if you draw them together, maybe, just maybe, the end is really nigh. Maybe 2012 is going to be a massive upheaval that ends life as we know it.

Or, maybe the global crush for instant news that was obscure years ago just brings stuff to light that usually went unnoticed, and nothing is really happening at all. 

Or maybe I've just had too much to drink tonight, and I really can't see things happening before they actually happen. And I'm also watching War, Inc. and convinced that movies this bad starring John Cusack as a hitman (again) are surely a sign of an apocalypse. 

Wednesday
Jun302010

I smash your face

The rise of the smartphone has led to, in NYC at least, large numbers of people stopping short on the sidewalk to send texts/emails. That's usually unfortunate for them if I'm walking behind them. It turns into Godzilla rampaging over Tokyo 'cause I'm sure as hell not stopping on a dime to avoid contact.

I also love the ones who stop in the middle of the steps to the train station, effectively blocking people from going into/out of the station. Those people make for more interesting road kill.